Her Time

She got up in the morning and was not feeling well. She knew that slowly she was coming to the end. Melancholy run her fingers through her hair and little by little she started walking through memory lane. She had a beautiful childhood and a wonderful family that slowly left her as the years started to pass by. She went from a very quiet, obedient child, to a rebellious and dangerous teenager. She believed that during her teenage years she was of a different species and no human should have to suffer whatever pain she caused. Her head was filled with dreams and wonderful things she would accomplish before she became an old one. She wanted to travel and know the world, she wanted to find out why history was written only under the point of view of the victor. She would be independent and self sufficient, she would be a great mother, and her children would be her life. She would work and provide a safe environment for her and her family. She would find her Prince Charming who would come to back her up, not to rescue her, and she would die while in her sleep when she was about 85. This morning her memory was playing the reality of her life and running a list of the things that made her what she had become. Her childhood was wonderful except for those years she was sexually abused by her parents best friend, and it was the only secret she had until now. Her father left when she was 11 and broke her mother's heart, her heart never healed. She couldn't understand why her father left his mother for that 20 years old woman who had walked the streets. As time passed by she learned why the 20 year old street walker had hooked her dad. She thought he had money and she would get to live in style. Life play a joke on her as the money wasn't her dad's, she had her revenge when she told the woman who walked the streets that the money it was her mom's.  She saw the woman going mad. She knew she was an incredibly smart child who was a straight A student even though she died of boredom during the school hours. She learned to be cocky, and look everyone under her nose. She became an overachiever so she could change the world. She would fight for the children who had to suffer what she went through and would find a way to give those children a voice. She traveled but not as much or as far as she thought, she found out that most of history was written in that particular light, she found out that a lot of it was only a lie an exaggerations which made look certain parts right. She became independent and self-sufficient, she became a mother, and the road ahead of her was nearly impossible, but she knew she could do it. Now that she was reflecting on it, she wondered if her son appreciated all the sacrifices that were done in order for him to have a good life, even though it nearly cost her her life.  She realized that he probably did not. She worked hard and provided a safe environment for her, her son, and her mother. She found Prince Charming when she was a couple of years away from menopause. She found a husband willing to give his life for her. But above all, she realized that she would never reach the age of 80. Her last few months have been almost unbearable, she had cheated death twice, maybe it was that death was on vacation, or the invisible bubble where she was placed so her life would be extended and she couldn't be touched was keeping death afar. She came to now, here and today, and all the pain and sadness were slowly dissipating becoming easier to bear. Her heart warmed when she thought of her husband and how much she loved him and he loved her, she understood that she was not the best mother in the world, but her child turned out to be a good, hard working young man.  She came to know a group of women that taught her unconditional love, self-esteem, self respect, that regardless of what is going on, life is worth living and thus these women changed her life. Every time she felt the sun on her skin she thought how much warmth they all had given her and were willing to freely give without expecting anything in return. Every time she saw a twinkling star she thought of their brilliance, she would wish  that they would shine forever in the sky. When a breeze touched her hair, she thought of how many hugs she had received from them. She wondered if they truly knew how much of a difference they had made in her life, how much she loved them and how much they all meant to her. She remembered once again that time was getting close and the Angel of Death would come back from his well deserved vacation and would come to invite her to join him. She hoped that after working so hard for so many millennium his vacation would be very long. She thought how would she made all her loved ones know when she was around. It finally came to her. Every time they felt a breeze touch their hair it would be the air from her wings while she was around. Every time they saw a star in the sky they would know that she was winking at them from wherever she was. Every time they saw the ocean and its waves they would know that she would be taking a bath, and when there was a tempest, it would because she was mad. Now that she had already planned what she would do after she left, she sat on her chair to wait for her Angel to come to her, and fell asleep with a smile that would last until the next day. 

My love to you, for now and forever. 

©Claudia 2004

At some point in our lives, we all realize that we won't live forever. Some of us, however, won't come to terms with our life the way you have as you wrote these touching words. You have shown us how to fight for each precious moment of life but at the same time, gracefully plan for a time when you will leave the people in your life who care so much about you.

Reflecting on the words you wrote, I want to add that it isn't the final days of a person's life that matter the most. It is the days that led up to that point.

What matters are the days we spend as children, the dreams we dare to dream along the way, the bonds that we make with other people and the memories we leave behind.

We grow and change as we fight both physical and emotional battles and we can either hide our scars or wear them for all the world to see and learn from. You have chosen to display your battles proudly and show us how we can find the strength to do that in our own lives.

You have taught us how to take every existing moment and fill it with love and kindness.

Our dear Claudia, as long as any of us are among the living, you, your dreams and your spirit will be alive too! We love you!

Dianna