Coming to Terms

It's now been a little over four months since Claudia passed away. More than one hundred and twenty days have gone by, one third of a year without my best friend at my side.

Sometimes I think that I'm over the worst of the loss. I think I'm doing fine, feeling great and looking forward at life. And most of the time that's true. But then I'll look across the room and see a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye, catch the smell of her perfume or hear her throaty laugh. I'll turn my head to see out of instinct, and find, naturally, that she's not there at all. I'm just experiencing a memory of my friend.

Claudia's passing was a huge loss for me, and I doubt that anyone who has not had a similar loss can understand the magnitude. I've only found one other person who has been able to really understand the impact on me (my friend Jim). Claudia was my first real friend this lifetime and she's still really the only real, true companion that I've had in my life. Because of her, I gained an understanding of what a friend really is, and because of her I now am able to accept others as friends. Believe it or not, she was literally the first person this lifetime I ever really trusted and I would have "taken a bullet" for her without hesitation. The first years we were together were not easy by any means, but she believed in me, allowed me to be myself and most importantly, demanded that I be self-determined. Partially because of her, I am a vastly different being than I was when I married her. Even considering the loss, I feel incredibly young, I feel very free, and I am very confident.

I am doing my best to recover, and I believe I am doing a very good job at it. My focus is to the future, not the past. I have some significant goals for the second half of my life (after I turn fifty in six years) and I am busy laying the groundwork needed to meet those objectives.

Now I am just trying to remain sane and rational, which is sometimes difficult considering the loss, the state of the world and the crazy things going on around the area right now.

One significant decision I made right away was to cease watching television of any kind. Within a month of her passing, I disconnected the cable (saving a hundred dollars a month) and the antenna. Now when I want to see something, I rent a video or watch one from my own collection. No more "news" (really just poorly produced entertainment), commercials or mindless programs for me. What I found most interesting about this decision is how much time I gained back - now I seem to have time to do everything that I want to do. I never realized how this silly box sucks the life out of people until now, after I haven't watched it for four months.

Following up with that decision, I also ceased reading newspapers and magazines with advertising. I do subscribe to some magazines, but they are all more expensive, highly targeted, information-rich and very specific to my interests. Again, not only was even more time made available to me, but I found my purchasing decisions seemed to become more sane and less impulsive.

Going even further, I installed ad blockers on my computers, both at work and at home. This dramatically improved my web surfing speed, and I found my internet adventures more relaxing, less stressful and, well, more fulfilling. Now I was surfing for my own enjoyment, and not at the whim of some impulse from an ad. Naturally, I also have been avoiding news and "entertainment" web sites.

Now instead of wasting hours of each day filtering and resisting advertising, watching mindless news programs and sitcoms, and worrying about things out of my control, I am actually spending time enjoying life, getting important things done and really relaxing.

Now I do things that I never seemed to have the time for in the past. In addition to putting in a full day at work, I walk the dog two or three times. I've never done that before ... yet now I seem to have the time and the desire. I read books, and I find myself finishing them instead of being distracted by something happening on the boob-tube. I work on my web sites, writing articles such as this one on a daily basis.

I've started writing that novel that I've always wanted to do yet never could find the time in my "busy" schedule. I travel constantly, and I'm learning to swim, ride a bike, and ride a horse. Never before have I had the time or inclination to do these things. The world seemed unsafe, somehow, and for some reason doing these things seemed to be a waste of time and energy, and somehow, it was unsafe.

I've been taking lots and lots of pictures. You can see them at http://www.roseworks.com/ and http://www.sitefromtheheart.com/

Claudia wrote a little story about her illness. You can read it and my own version here: http://www.richardlovesclaudia.us/