So how am I doing? I'm doing FINE ("Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Exasperated" from the Italian Job). You have to understand that I've been living with her chronic, life-threatening illness now for almost ten years, and it became very severe after her coma in 1998. Life has been very difficult since that coma, as I knew that I could lose Claudia at any time. I counted every day with her as a gift, not knowing whether or not she would be gone tomorrow. In fact, I learned to treat every single minute with her as if it was the last minute that we would spend together...that's the way it's been. And every single minute we spent together is as precious to me as a whole lifetime.

Unless you've been there, it's difficult to understand. Claudia's life was threatened by her asthma at least once a week, and oftentimes several times a day. There were many times that I had to rush home from work, leave my course or wake up in a terror to give her the medication she needed to breath. She made nine trips to the hospital (this last was her tenth) and there were hundreds of times when I found her with her face a deep purple from lack of oxygen.

So now I'm feeling like I was given an extra few years of life with this special woman since her first coma, and I'm happy that I spent those years with her and used them as wisely as I could. I did my best to make her happy, comfortable and give her all of the love that I had in my spirit. I was rewarded with her love, her smile, her happiness, her joy and simply being with her incredible spirit.

These years have been so very difficult that I am not sure how I made it through them with my sanity, health and self more-or-less intact. Not only did I make it, but I grew incredibly as a spiritual being, did well at work and experienced many interesting things. I feel like I've been through a major, life-changing, ten-year-long battle.

I am adjusting to life without my soul mate, my love and my best friend. The day I've been dreading since 1998 has finally happened.

The last week and a half have been hectic, yet they seemed to last forever. I had arrangements to make for memorials and such, family to be with, and many things to do. I had to be brave. As the British say, I had to keep a stiff upper lip (whatever that means).

One determination that I made right away is to keep myself healthy. Many people get very sick in times such as this, and I am determined to carry on without illness. I've seen enough sickness to last me the next thousand years, and I never want to see the inside of a hospital again as long as I live.

Thus, I spent many hours in spiritual counseling, working through my grief and other feelings with professionals who could help. I also visited all of my doctors to ensure that my body is holding up well (it's in fine shape - all of the vital signs are perfect), and I did a lot of cleaning to keep my mind occupied at all times.

I went on a special trip to Joshua Tree National Park last Saturday to get away from the world for a day. This turned out to be a very spiritual trip and I had some incredible experiences. I will keep these to myself for now as they are personal, but let's just say I have a newfound understanding of life. I spent the day sitting on top of a large rock a few hundred yards from Skull Rock, thinking and deciding what I want to do.

Okay, that being said, what have I decided to do now?

This is an interesting question. I've always believed that a person controls his own destiny. In the last week, I decided to make some changes to the life of this person currently known as Richard.

One fact is true - I am so very, very tired after all of these years of the daily struggle with a life threatening illness. I was amply rewarded with her love and her presence (she is the most incredible being that I've ever known), but the battle to keep her alive was beyond exhausting. I will never again willingly take on this role. It demanded everything that I had and more, and without the help of my church, my religious convictions, my friends, the incredible company that I work for, and most of all, her incredible love for me, I do not believe that I would have survived at all. I did learn that I can accomplish the impossible and still thrive, but now that I've learned the lesson I have no desire to repeat the experience.

A year or so ago, I had a brilliant idea. I decided to get out to the Los Angeles Arboretum for an afternoon. I took lots of pictures of birds, flowers and plants, and I showed these to Claudia. She could not leave the apartment (she was very, very ill at the time) but I realized that I could bring the world to her via a digital camera. I could share with her my experiences of the outside world and bring a little more joy and happiness into her life. She was thrilled, not only because she got to see the pictures, but because I was able to get out and do things on my own. This made her happy.

That's when I began making my weekend trips, and I have learned to enjoy my visits to the outdoors immensely. These trips will continue, although my purpose has changed. Now I am traveling all over for my own pleasure. This is a gift from Claudia, the gift of freedom. She is responsible in many ways for my discovery that I love this state, it's gardens and natural places.

Thus, I am going to spend some time over the next few months, quite a bit of time, wandering among the gardens, parks, preserves, museums, beaches and other places in this incredible state of California. I am going to spend this time by myself, reflecting on life, getting some space, and just looking at pretty things. I need to be alone, more than anything right now, and I need to get out into the world. California is one of the most incredible places on this planet, and I want to see all of it.

One thought I had in Joshua Tree was to "make Claudia proud of me". I know what would make her proud. If we met again in the future, I know she would ask me these questions:

• Am I happy?
• Am I ethical?
• Am I doing what I want to do?
• Am I contributing to my job, my society and my religion?
• Am I proud of my life and what I've accomplished?

If I answered yes to all of those questions, then my wife would simply say, "yes, I am proud of you". So that's what I am planning on doing. And actually, that's what I've been doing all along. So that's will I will continue to do.